Let’s celebrate bad opening sentences one more time.

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One year ago Scott Rice, the founder of The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, announced that the four-decade effort would, alas, come to an end. As noted on the website, the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest challenged entrants to compose opening sentences to the worst of all possible novels. 

The BLFC was “the misbegotten brainchild of Professor Scott Rice. Sentenced to write a seminar paper on a minor Victorian novelist, he chose the man with the funny hyphenated name, Edward George Bulwer-Lytton.” Although Bulwer-Lytton is perhaps best known for The Last Days of Pompeii, it was his novel Paul Clifford that began “with the famous opener that has been plagiarized repeatedly by the cartoon beagle, Snoopy.”

“It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents—except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.”

Through the years the contest was covered by all the major news outlets including the New York Times. I’ll admit that MORE TO COME was late to the game, but I did have posts on the final two contests, in 2023 and 2024.

So in this farewell nod to the skillful use of words in pursuit of bad writing, here are a few favorites of mine pulled from the BLFC archives.

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Let’s begin with the Grand Prize winner from the very first Bulwer-Lytton contest:

2020 produced a short but sweet, pandemic-fueled Grand Prize winner:

“Her Dear John missive flapped unambiguously in the windy breeze, hanging like a pizza menu on the doorknob of my mind.”

Lisa Kluber, San Francisco, CA

And the final grand prize in 2024 went to this gem of wretched writing:

“She had a body that reached out and slapped my face like a five-pound ham-hock tossed from a speeding truck.”

Lawrence Person, Austin, TX

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The “Adventure” category was always sure to please. First the 1999 winner . . .

“The woods held danger at every dark, haunting corner, and Indiana Jones decided it was too risky to continue; he had already been attacked by a mound of fire ants, had a brush with poison ivy, and faced a terrifying encounter with the Forest Ranger’s vicious beagle, Muffin.”

Christine Sullivan, Melbourne, FL

. . . and the winner from 2023 . . .

“The man squinted his eyes as the blistering cold winds battered his rugged face, his eyes darting about, desperately hoping, daring to dream that amidst the frozen wasteland, he would find the last Klondike Bar that he had hidden in his freezer.”

Oliver Mauser, Jacksonville, FL

. . . and finally this really bad Dishonorable Mention winner from 2020:

“Sally loved Geoff so deeply that if he were a pirate on a dread pirate ship (and not an insurance adjuster), snarling and drinking, murdering and raping his way across the Caribbean (well, maybe not raping, it was the sentiment that counted) and he had a peg leg, she would have gladly sawed her own leg off and sewed it to his stump with silken threads, so he could dance again, holding her up since she was now a sudden amputee.”

David Lourne, Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

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The “Crime and Detective” category was made for this contest. Here’s the winner from 2020:

“When she walked into my office on that bleak December day, she was like a breath of fresh air in a coal mine; she made my canary sing.”

Yale Abrams, Santa Rosa, CA

. . . another winner, this one from 2017 . . .

“Detective Sam Steel stood at the crime scene staring puzzled at the chalk outline of Ms. Mulgrave’s body which was really just a stick figure with a dress, curly hair, boobs, and a smiley face because the police chalk guy had the day off.”

Doug Self, Brunswick, ME

. . . and a final one for this category from 2013:

“It was such a beautiful night; the bright moonlight illuminated the sky, the thick clouds floated leisurely by just above the silhouette of tall, majestic trees, and I was viewing it all from the front row seat of the bullet hole in my car trunk.”

Tonya Lavel, Barbados, West Indies

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Let’s close the books on the sorely missed BLFC with a few winning “Vile Puns” category entries, beginning with that amazing year of 2020 . . .

“As the passing of Keith Richards was announced on the evening news, just as had been done with Mick Jagger, Charlie Watts, and Ronnie Wood before him, Jorge gazed at the television in his Tijuana home and felt a sickening knot form in his stomach, for he realized that finally, after all the albums, concert tours, and era-defining cultural impact, the Rolling Stones would gather no más.”

Aaron Cabe, Hillsboro, OR

. . . followed by the 2013 winner . . .

“What the Highway Department’s chief IT guy for the new computerized roadway hated most was listening to the ‘smart’ components complain about being mixed with asphalt instead of silicon and made into speed bumps instead of graceful vases, like the one today from chip J176: ‘I coulda had glass; I coulda been a container; I coulda been some bottle, instead of a bump, which is what I am.’”

Brian Brandt, Lansdale, PA

. . . with the final word going to this 2007 winner:

“I was in a back alley in Fiji, fighting desperately and silently for my life, fighting desperately for oxygen, clawing at the calm and almost gentle pressure of the fabric held over my face by implacable, ebony thighs when I realized — he was killing me softly with his sarong.”

Karl Scott, Brisbane, Australia

Farewell, Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. You’ve given us plenty of laughs through the years.

More to come . . .

DJB

Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay