Think twice before booking that dream vacation to the English countryside.

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My friend and Brilliant Reader Sandy gave me this wonderful little book. With my love of murder mysteries and travel, I think she was warning me!

Your Guide to Not Getting Murdered in a Quaint English Village (2021) by Maureen Johnson and Jay Cooper is a tongue-in-cheek send-up of the classic English murder mystery where the most dangerous place to visit is the narrow old lanes, the manor house, and the church in a small rural village. The authors begin with a “note to the gentle reader” that makes every attempt to keep you from booking that dream vacation. However, knowing that you will probably go ahead and pursue that trip, they are prepared—with witty writing and Gorey-esque drawings—to point out all the horrors you will face.

Places to avoid seem obvious: the village church (tall towers to fall from), the pub (beware the mineral-rich aftertaste of the ale), and the manor house (where each floor has its own traps). Things to avoid may prove challenging: the garden maze (you’ll never get out), and the village fete (the sponge cakes are full of glass).

And then there are the people who, if you see them coming, you should run the other way: the oldest resident (they are the hardest to kill), anyone who leaves a message (all messages in an English murder village are bad news), the vicar (just run), and anyone who looks out windows (it’s curtains for you).

A weekend “roaming narrow old lanes, touring the faded glories of a country manor, and quaffing pints in the pub” sounds very charming. That is, unless you have the misfortune of finding yourself in an English Murder Village.

More to come . . .

DJB

Photo of English village by Olivier Collet on Unsplash